Shame & Guilt, Confession & Forgiveness
“ Confession requires awareness of our sin, acknowledgment of it, and the desire to move past the shame and guilt, but those aren’t the only conditions for confession. Confession also requires great humility and deep vulnerability.” - Latasha Morrison
Confession: I spent a large portion of my life hiding in “safe” spaces to avoid having to confront all of the prejudice.
I had a great conversation with my dad last weekend. I treasure those conversations because my dad isn’t a “talker”. We were on the front porch at my brother’s house. Most of the family was inside. The kids were all playing in the front yard. And my dad and I were hashing out some of the happenings of the last few weeks. My dad shared with me some of the reflections he had listening to John Lewis’ Homecoming Service. In that conversation, I confessed to my dad that I carried some regret (?), shame(?), guilt(?) around not awakening sooner; awakening to the depth and width of racism, personally and socially.
I didn’t fully realize it because I hid from it. I had plenty of experience with the pain of prejudice. So, when I could and where I could, I hid. Not only did I hide, but in those “safe” places I sometimes acted “safe”. For some of those places to be “safe” I had to act “safe”; i.e. act in such a way that I would avoid being an obvious target of prejudice.
I had actually been carrying the guilt and shame around for some time. But, I hadn’t shared it with my dad. I hadn’t shared it because I wasn’t sure if it was ok to. I wasn’t sure if it would cause him some hurt or guilt or discomfort. So, I hid it.
That is until he spoke MY why. When George Floyd was murdered, it created an opportunity I hadn’t seized before. My dad is Black. So, for the first time...I checked in on my dad as a Black man. And in that conversation, he expressed that, as an interracial family, we often don’t fit because WE are seen as “too black to be white and too white to be black.”
...
I hadn’t realized my dad experienced it, too.
Those words are hard to say.
Those words are hard to hear.
Those words don’t make ANYONE feel good.
Those words are hard…
But those words are honest...and it’s why I hid.
Colorism is real. It is the cultural internalization of the white supremacy that oppresses POC. It is evident wherever colonization has occurred. There’s a level of privilege when you look more like the people in charge.
The privilege was that I could “hide” and avoid. I spent a lot of time in white spaces being ambiguous because my ambiguity was more acceptable there then being authentically me in black spaces. In colorism, there is always a cost. Whether it is the loss of privilege or the loss of acceptance…there is always a cost.
I regret that I didn’t try harder (and as a result, possibly missed out on finding those spaces where the authentic me would be embraced).
I feel shame that I chose paths of least resistance.
I feel guilty that I didn’t start the work sooner.
I’ve had many friends share with me similar guilt and shame around not awakening sooner. So I will share here what I shared with my dad sitting on the porch that night. But first, an encouragement: The only ones whose awakenings happen too late...are those who fail to awaken at all. Awakening begins with what confession requires: awareness, acknowledgment, desire, humility and vulnerability. Confession allowed me to see that with God my awakening is right on time.
As I had reflected over the loss of freedom fighting legends like John Lewis and C.T. Vivian, God gave me the image of a flock of geese, flying in V-formation. There are two explanations for why birds fly in this formation. “One is to conserve energy by taking advantage of the upwash vortex fields created by the wings of the birds in front. The other is to facilitate orientation and communication among the birds.” (source) It is time for those with fresh wings to heed the wisdom of those who need rest and make their way to the front. Our awakening comes “for such a time as this.”
"For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father's family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?" - Ester 4:14 NIV